Dedicated to my children.
The brightest lights and yet simultaneously the darkest wormholes of my life.
Parenthood is filled with endless emotions and paradoxes. I find that it’s not so much the proverbial highs and lows but rather a cacophony of confused feelings. Even when I am the most frustrated and annoyed, I am in that state because of the greater good that I’m trying to accomplish. I my formative years I always believed that I would have children “someday”. In young adulthood, I never gave it a second thought. As I entered my late twenties, I started to realize that I should start planning or “someday” might never happen. My vision of having children was a picturesque family of adult children sitting around a table having a civilized discussion on the current state of the economy. This is probably why I wanted children. Who would not want these children? Fully employed, productive, self-sufficient, adult children is probably the dream of every working parent. I could envision the product of years of hard loved work. However, I never considered what that road would look like. The day I realized that I had to mold little humans for 20+ years to make my idealized (probably unrealistic) vision become reality, I had a panic attack. There are immeasurable variables and possibilities, there is no formula to calculate this number.
Let’s not mince words, generally I am a cynic and skeptic. I also suffer from being pragmatic and realistic about my expectations. Over all this makes me come off as grumpy, disgruntled, and annoyed. Don’t misunderstand I am extremely satisfied with my life. However, grumpy and annoyed is how others label my social commentary. It is most definitely not how I view myself. I find humor in irony, and love being “annoyed” by new challenges. I find that once the challenge is over I’ve moved on to the next thing. So parenting present the greatest challenge and source of what will likely be immense annoyance.
While raising my little humans was never an endeavor I envisioned, I am sure that the journey is something that will make me into someone much greater than I ever thought possible.
I only ask that you read gently and not take too much stock or offense to my honest commentary.